It’s been a rough couple if weeks. Things had been fantastic at the beginning of the three month mark; Sebastian was sleeping longer and more regularly each day. I was feeling more well rested, was exercising, and feeling slightly productive during his nap times.

Then we decided he had grown out of his infant bed and was ready for the big bassinet (not the crib in another room, not yet). Now we are back to square one. So I’ve been struggling the past couple of weeks. Not sleeping. Feeling pessimistic during the days because of lack of sleep. Back to barely managing anything productive in the day time because he won’t even take regular naps.

But, I remind myself to slow down again and enjoy this special time with Sebastian. Before he is old enough to push me away. Before another sibling is taking up my time. I relish the times he does nurse sweetly and cozily – because two weeks ago he would fuss, scream, and claw at me while nursing. (Just last weekend we went out and about all of Saturday, buying shoes for both if us, looking at bikes, eating sushi, generally enjoying shopping and eating out after Tim had worked two weekends in a row, and after leaving the bike shop he pointed out that the tiny claw marks were visible all over my chest and décolletage).

I remind myself, in the worst moods, that it is merely lack of sleep that makes me feel hopeless and overwhelmed, and that it will pass. Things will begin to get easier again (I was recently told this happens around four months, so I’ve got a couple of weeks to go).

I truly enjoy this little guy snuggling up in my arms. His personality comes out more every day. And this evening I was trying to straighten up his room and began folding up things he has outgrown to put away. I couldn’t believe how tiny some of them were. Then when I came to our bedroom to go to bed I couldn’t believe how big he has gotten in his bassinet.

Then just when i’d finished brushing my teeth, he woke up, fussed, then smiled at me, and I picked his heavy little body up. I am now nursing him while I write this.

And doubtless, later tonight I will fall asleep in this chair for another couple of hours, wreaking havoc on my neck, my back, and my mood. He’s been averaging six wake-ups a night and it’s killing me. But I’m okay with that. This baby-tending can totally suck at times, but I’m well aware that it passes all too quickly and that I will look back and romanticize this quiet time in the night when I provide all to my little one.