Here is a cheesy-happy photo of me after we finally closed on our first house.

The day was pretty wild and dramatic – yet anti-climactic. Here are the events of that roller coaster ride.

As we were handing over our cashiers check to close the deal – it was discovered that we had made it out incorrectly and we had to run to the bank to print a new one. While doing that we got caught in a sudden, wild thunder storm (we’ve been in the middle of a drought for months). I dropped Tim off at the bank and began to drive around to induce sleep in a very tired baby. Suddenly the rain was pelting my windshield so bad I could barely see. I inched my way back to the bank and barely avoided a lightning bolt that came straight down like the hand of God onto the intersection I was turning into. The boom of thunder shook me senseless. I wish I had a photo of Tim’s face when he got back into the car.  He had been certain that the bank would loose power before they finished printing our check. We made our perilous way through the blinding rain, back to the title company as another insane bold of lighting came straight down out of the sky – onto what I was sure was the title company! We were laughing and joking maybe this is a sign that we shouldn’t buy this house! Nervous laughter.

When we got to the title company we had to figure out how get into the building while keeping the check dry and the baby sleeping. It was a blur of umbrellas (a stroke of luck that we had two in the back of the car from a recent trip), wind, rain, and soaking wet jeans. Once we were inside, we handed the check over and that was it. We now had an awakened and disoriented baby, wet clothes, and keys to our very first home!

But, the drama wasn’t over. My mother is also trying to buy her very first home in the same town as us, which means she’s doing from long distance. There was a deadline for her that day too, so we spent the next couple of hours talking back and forth between my sister and brother-in-law in Louisiana, mom in California, and us in Colorado, while the thunder and rain kept coming. Our realtor let us use take over his office so I could use the Internet in the storm and Tim graciously chased around our toddler while I handled this.

When it was finally finished and we got back in the car we were three tired, cranky people. It was the witching our between dinner and baby’s bedtime. By this time were too tired to even stop by the new house. But I persuaded Tim to pick up a pizza to eat on the floor in the dining room anyway. We had to christen our new home, right!?

Unfortunately, when we got there the power wasn’t on yet. This meant that our garage door opener didn’t work and we had to get out into the rain again. (Luckily we have a sweet circular drive so we were able to pull right up front).

When we got inside, all of the smoke and carbon monoxide alarms were going off at the same time.

Let me not be overly dramatic here:

It was hell.

But when it was all said and done and we returned to our rental that night, we were greeted with a giant double rainbow.

I’m still processing the feeling of being a new homeowner. We won’t get to officially move until next Saturday – and the past week and a half have been full of stress over the house mom might be buying, as well as trying to pack by myself with a toddler while Tim was working two weekends in a row.

I’m looking forward to the end of this limbo that I’m in. But if you bear with me, I swear I have lots of new posts planned for after I move. Yeah, I know you’ve heard that before. But I’m serious this time. I’m on the threshold of a new life of home-ownership and homemaking and I have lots to talk about.

Tim and Sebastian each appreciating the finer points of the backyard.

I think we're gonna like it here!

I still suffer from the belief that every post needs a picture – and I still don’t know where we packed the camera charger!

See, this blog was supposed to be a show-case of the things I manage to succeed in doing and an illustration of the realities that go on behind closed doors. Most of the time the rooms of my house are in disarray and I loath getting dinner on the table. I want to document the chaos and the processes I use to conquer each pile at a time. I want to document the bread pudding that turned out great, despite a couple of huge mistakes, that I then left out all night and had to throw away because my husband won’t risk food poisoning, especially since I’m pregnant.

But this blog should also be a reflection of my inner journey, and for that I don’t need photos.

So what have I been up to during my long silence? I’ve been settling in to the new town, SLOWLY unpacking, and doing some private writing.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on how much better this major life-transition has been, compared to the last one three years ago. At that time I had finished graduate school, gotten married, and moved from the Midwest to Denver. And I didn’t have a job line-up. It’s hard to be a participator in life when you’re caught up inside yourself, listening to yourself tell the same-old stories about your past, and your struggles, and why who are different from other people. And the stress of all those life changes happening at once, turned me into a wreck. My obsessive negative-thinking and social-anxiety were magnetized by 1000. I experienced culture shock and didn’t want to drive anywhere. I experienced agony  each time we were supposed to go anywhere where we had to interact with our new peers.

I experienced an inside-myself feeling  that brought me close to tears each time I was forced to interact with others. The, I am barely getting by each day alone in my house without having to put on appropriate attire and talk to strangers around a Bar-B-Que, feeling. First there is the intense feeling that my clothing, make-up, shoes, and jewelry are inadequate – because I just don’t know how to harness the power of that stuff. Then there is the inevitable “What do you do?” question. I’ve gotten better and better at all of that stuff, but when it’s all you can do to take a shower and force yourself to cook meals, how do you shine yourself up for a public appearance and be relaxed about it?

It’s a relief to have become happy, comfortable in my own skin. I can’t describe that shaky, swimming around inside myself feeling that was sometimes quite literal, when I wasn’t balancing my meds properly, and sometimes simply caused by my emotions. During that time, I was unable to concentrate on what people were saying fast enough to formulate responses. Then I’d be so busy obsessing over what I should have said, that I’d miss the rest of the party. There were times when I was fighting back tears every time I had to open my mouth to respond to another human being. Just terrified of people. It is such a horrible way to live. If you only knew what that was like, you’d want to stay safe in the cocoon of your home too. Never initiating social contact, and nearly falling apart every time you accepted a lunch invitation. I lived so many years of my life that way. But moving to Denver it was really emphasized because there were so many of us in the same shoes, arriving in this new city, needing to make new friends; socializing was necessary and expected.

Anyway, now here I am in the midst of another huge life transition, pregnancy and a big move to a new city (small-town – another culture-shock), and I’m doing great with it. I think this is a result of cleaning up my thinking. I’m comfortable with being uncomfortable. I know that it always passes. I don’t care so much if people don’t take to me right away, or if it seems that the rest of the world (AKA the women around me) are involved in some choreographed dance that I’m not a part of. I used to think that dance was what I was supposed to be doing and that there was, of course, as always, something wrong with me because I didn’t know and couldn’t seem pick up the steps. But I don’t believe that anymore. I now think that other people have baffling interests and needs that I’m pleased not to be bothered with. They get off on doing that. That’s great. I get off on reading, thinking, writing, and spending time with my husband. That doesn’t mean I don’t like them or want to hang out with them from time to time, or have girl time – I do, and I will. But, all this stuff that they do, that I don’t, I can let it go.

And I’m sure part of it is age. I’m relieved not to have to contend with the energy of those in their early- and even mid- twenties anymore. The boundless, work hard, play hard, exercise, party, socialize, ethic. Now people the people I meet are more settled and chill. If they do have boundless energy, they package it up into self-contained adventurous outdoor activities, such as mountain climbing, and rafting, that happen outside of my presence.

The bottom line is, although I’ve been blog-silent, I’m doing well. I’ve been proactive about my mental-health and it’s paid off. I’m still well in the midst of transition, and that will probably continue to interrupt my blogging for awhile. But in time, I’ll be back in full-swing.

If you’re curious to know how I managed to clean up my thinking and get over the extreme social-anxiety, that, my dears, will take another post.

It’s time to get up off my bum and be productive again. I’m posting this picture of Casey, which I’ve probably posted before in one of the lost posts – and of course, you’ve seen it before in the About Me column – because it sums up all of the photos my husband and I take besides those of the beautiful landscape in our new town. I haven’t yet found my camera charger, but I still take tons of pictures of this old dog with my phone. He’s 14 now, and the light of my husband’s and my life. That is until the baby comes along. He’s getting so grumpy in his old age, we really hope he does okay with the baby around. He’ll probably pout a lot from his doggy bed. Hopefully, he’ll feel a little protective over the baby instead of just jealous.

Now, as for me, I’m planning to empty some more cardboard boxes of their contents today, and maybe buy a new desk to set up the office area. We gave away our old one when we moved. It was an ugly thing from a University. It served it’s purpose for several years, but we couldn’t bear to bring it into our new lives. Without it though, we have ugly boxes bursting at the seems with office stuff that won’t fit on shelves. That desk sure did hold a lot of stuff.

I’m going to concentrate on books today, of which we have too many. But most of them we own for a reason. I’m going to pull out some inspiring books about eating right and setting goals.  Peruse them, put the rest away – the trick will be deciding which bookshelf in which rooms will hold which books – and then get motivated to decorate, write, knit, sew, and cook!

Yeah, I know, poor me. I don’t have to go to a job right now. I have all day to bake and make crafts. But, I’m not good at those things. I’m the chronic disorganization queen! I’m more likely to be a sloth all day reading YA novels and feeling guilty that I don’t read adult novels or exercise.

Alright, that’s enough complaining! My husband and I have already gone on two amazingly beautiful hikes since we’ve been here and I’m planning to start walking in the mornings. So, there is exercise in my future. I just have to learn to organize these long chunks of days that I’ve got ahead of me now. I don’t even have to fight through traffic anymore. I’m in paradise and I don’t know what to do with myself!!!

I keep reminding myself to just enjoy this ability to be lazy, because it’s going to go away in five months when the baby is born. But the life-long feeling of being an unproductive, lazy slob never goes away. What do you all do to combat non-productivity? Are you compulsive list writers? Remember, I can’t even plan a weeks worth of meals, I don’t know if I can handle lists. The problem with lists is that I come up with five hundred things I need to do and that just overwhelms me. Is there any hope for me? Do you have any book recommendations on this subject? I love reading books.

: )

Two years ago, we moved out of a very luxurious townhouse, to live in this colorful, but tiny Victorian row-house in Northwest Denver. We gave up storage space and a dishwasher, to live with character in a terrific neighborhood.

Last week we said goodbye.

Now we are in a brand new, very airy, and spacious home in a small town. We will be here for one year while we look for our first house to buy. Our first baby will be born in this house. Because we are renting and the landlord had this house built very recently, we’ll not be able to change any of the cream colored walls. After living in such a colorful house for two years, I’m at a complete loss as for how to decorate without painted walls.

I’m sure you’re dying to see the new house now! I’ll work on getting pictures up tomorrow. We’re still living out of boxes and I haven’t found the camera charger yet, so….we’ll see how it goes….

P.S. The final picture above was taken with my phone as we were pulling away for the last time, beginning our six hour drive to our new town, and I realized I had zero photos of the front of the house that I was leaving behind.